Vokes Theatre - The Monologues of Beatrice Herford

The Monologues of Beatrice Herford

In the Art Museum

Oh, must I check my umbrella? ... It's not wet ... I only brought it because my niece was so sure it would rain ... she would have come with me but her little boy has chicken pox ... I didn't think it looked like it, but she said she was certain ... it looked so black and now the sun is out ... she's so positive.
I think I'd better put the umbrella check in my glove ... I have so many little things in my bag I should never find it ... What shall I do if I come out at another door? ... Oh, I have to come out this way? ... It isn't my umbrella ... it's my niece's ... not my niece ... my husband's ... I've lost three this year, so I've given up having one ... I forget where I leave them.
I want to see the new Rembrandt ... I forget the name of it ... which way do I go? ... Oh, it isn't here now? ... It's gone out West ... It's in California, is it? ... Why, my niece saw it here I'm sure ... Well, I expect to go to California someday ... I want to see those big trees ... my son is out there ... he wrote me all about one tree he saw ... he writes very good letters ... this one he wrote me was three hundred feet in diameter ... Well, I'll go up to the galleries there are some other pictures I want to see. I go up these stairs you say? ... and through the Egyptian rooms? ... Thank you.
I wish I had a catalog ... perhaps I can borrow one ... that lady has one ... Would you let me look at your catalog? ... there's a picture I rather wanted to see, it's called Saturday Night ... a friend told me I must be sure and see it ... Saturday Night ... it might be those men drinking, but I hope not, I think it's a pity to depict such things ... They number the pictures so queerly ... now there is Cows Resting in the Shade and right beside it Nuns Combing Their Hair ... Let me see . Saturday Night ... there's a girl taking a bath ... no, she's fifty-two A Modern Venus ... Well, I don't know what it could be, unless it is workmen or someone in a bath ... Thank you very much. I think I'll look 'round those next rooms ... Oh, here's something on the floor ... a brass plate ... twenty-five on it ... it must be off one of the pictures ... let me see ... twenty-five ... perhaps I can find the picture it fell off. There don't seem to be any without numbers ... Oh, there's one without a number ... that must be it ... I'll stick it in the corner ... I'm glad I found it.
There seem to be a great many pictures of animals and fruit in this room ... that reminds me it must be near lunchtime ... I think I'll go along ... Let me see, that's the staircase ... It is raining after all ... that reminds me I must get my umbrella ... Will you give me my umbrella, please, or rather my niece's? ... It has an ivory handle ... or bone I expect ... with a gold band ... or brass I suppose ... Oh, can't I get it without a check? I don't think you gave me a check, did you? ... Let me see now, where did I put it? I didn't put it in my bag ...Oh, do you remember? ... In my glove? ... Oh, now I remember ... Oh dear! I shall lose my head next ... Oh mercy! ... of course! ... it's raining so hard, I think I'll have another look at the pictures ... I shall probably find the check ... in my bag ... I expect ... I'll just go up ... If the attendant sees me he'll wonder what I'm doing ... How ridiculous of me not to know that was my umbrella check! ... and putting it on that picture! Oh dear! ... I hope I can find the picture ... I must have the umbrella it was in this room I'm sure ... it had animals in it I know ... a farmyard or something ... Oh, now that attendant is watching me ... No, thank you ... I'm just looking for something ... twenty-five ... twenty-five ... the trouble is it belongs to my niece my husband's niece ... so I must find it even if it wasn't raining ... No, I'm not looking for a picture exactly ... it's my umbrella ... or rather my niece's · .. I know there were sheep in it ... but that's all I remember ... Oh, there are some sheep! ... No, that isn't it ... that's twenty-seven ... But I do want a picture ... it's the check for my umbrella you see ... or rather my niece's ... I found it on the floor and I thought it came off a picture ... it dropped out of my glove I suppose ... and I put it on one that had none ... Do you know where there are any more sheep? ... Or perhaps they were goats ... That's it! ... over there ... I remember now ... they were goats ... that's what made me say sheep ... this is it ... twenty-five ... That is an umbrella check, isn't it? ... Well, I must hurry I shall be late for lunch ... Thank you, I'll hold it right in my hand ... you must have thought me crazy ... but you can't always tell the sheep from the goats.

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	*In the Art Museum*
	Oh, must I check my umbrella? ... It's not wet ... I only brought it because my niece was so sure it would rain ... she would have come with me but her little boy has chicken pox ... I didn't think it looked like it, but she said she was certain ... it looked so black and now the sun is out ... she's so positive. I think I'd better put the umbrella check in my glove ... I have so many little things in my bag I should never find it ... What shall I do if I come out at another door? ... Oh, I have to come out this way? ... It isn't my umbrella ... it's my niece's ... not my niece ... my husband's ... I've lost three this year, so I've given up having one ... I forget where I leave them. I want to see the new Rembrandt ... I forget the name of it ... which way do I go? ... Oh, it isn't here now? ... It's gone out West ... It's in California, is it? ... Why, my niece saw it here I'm sure ... Well, I expect to go to California someday ... I want to see those big trees ... my son is out there ... he wrote me all about one tree he saw ... he writes very good letters ... this one he wrote me was three hundred feet in diameter ... Well, I'll go up to the galleries there are some other pictures I want to see. I go up these stairs you say? ... and through the Egyptian rooms? ... Thank you. I wish I had a catalog ... perhaps I can borrow one ... that lady has one ... Would you let me look at your catalog? ... there's a picture I rather wanted to see, it's called Saturday Night ... a friend told me I must be sure and see it ... Saturday Night ... it might be those men drinking, but I hope not, I think it's a pity to depict such things ... They number the pictures so queerly ... now there is Cows Resting in the Shade and right beside it Nuns Combing Their Hair ... Let me see . Saturday Night ... there's a girl taking a bath ... no, she's fifty-two A Modern Venus ... Well, I don't know what it could be, unless it is workmen or someone in a bath ... Thank you very much. I think I'll look 'round those next rooms ... Oh, here's something on the floor ... a brass plate ... twenty-five on it ... it must be off one of the pictures ... let me see ... twenty-five ... perhaps I can find the picture it fell off. There don't seem to be any without numbers ... Oh, there's one without a number ... that must be it ... I'll stick it in the corner ... I'm glad I found it. There seem to be a great many pictures of animals and fruit in this room ... that reminds me it must be near lunchtime ... I think I'll go along ... Let me see, that's the staircase ... It is raining after all ... that reminds me I must get my umbrella ... Will you give me my umbrella, please, or rather my niece's? ... It has an ivory handle ... or bone I expect ... with a gold band ... or brass I suppose ... Oh, can't I get it without a check? I don't think you gave me a check, did you? ... Let me see now, where did I put it? I didn't put it in my bag ...Oh, do you remember? ... In my glove? ... Oh, now I remember ... Oh dear! I shall lose my head next ... Oh mercy! ... of course! ... it's raining so hard, I think I'll have another look at the pictures ... I shall probably find the check ... in my bag ... I expect ... I'll just go up ... If the attendant sees me he'll wonder what I'm doing ... How ridiculous of me not to know that was my umbrella check! ... and putting it on that picture! Oh dear! ... I hope I can find the picture ... I must have the umbrella it was in this room I'm sure ... it had animals in it I know ... a farmyard or something ... Oh, now that attendant is watching me ... No, thank you ... I'm just looking for something ... twenty-five ... twenty-five ... the trouble is it belongs to my niece my husband's niece ... so I must find it even if it wasn't raining ... No, I'm not looking for a picture exactly ... it's my umbrella ... or rather my niece's · .. I know there were sheep in it ... but that's all I remember ... Oh, there are some sheep! ... No, that isn't it ... that's twenty-seven ... But I do want a picture ... it's the check for my umbrella you see ... or rather my niece's ... I found it on the floor and I thought it came off a picture ... it dropped out of my glove I suppose ... and I put it on one that had none ... Do you know where there are any more sheep? ... Or perhaps they were goats ... That's it! ... over there ... I remember now ... they were goats ... that's what made me say sheep ... this is it ... twenty-five ... That is an umbrella check, isn't it? ... Well, I must hurry I shall be late for lunch ... Thank you, I'll hold it right in my hand ... you must have thought me crazy ... but you can't always tell the sheep from the goats.